With the increased popularity of Apple products over the past few years, especially the iPod, I have noticed my local Apple Store has been full of all kinds of PC-using smut as of late. While these undesirables may seem harmless to some, they are in reality a pestilence that needs to be dealt with accordingly. Consequently, I, Logan Harrison, have written my own rules for visitors to the Apple Store.

Note: The following is a parody.

1. Leave your Blackberry at home.

Blackberry users are stupid and inconsiderate. The whole store doesn’t want to listen to your “important” business conversations. Besides, anyone with a Blackberry should feel embarrassed and ashamed now that the iPhone has been out for nearly a year. I for one wouldn’t be caught dead with one of those black bricks when I could get something as sleek and sexy as the iPhone.

2. Don’t stare at the Macs.

If you aren’t bright enough to own an Apple computer, don’t reveal your lack of intelligence by gawking at the Macs. Yes, we all know they’re the coolest thing out there, but Macs are not something to be stared at.

3. Leave the kids at home.

Some couples seem to think the Apple Store is a perfectly appropriate place to dump their kids while they shop at Spencer’s. The Apple Store is not a daycare center, and I get ticked off every time I go to test out the MacBook Air and find I can’t because some little shit is playing Runescape or browsing Myspace. Do not bring your offspring into the Apple Store. If they insist of going to the Apple Store, throw them in the Apple section at Best Buy instead.

4. No food allowed.

What do you do think the Apple Store is, McDonalds? Unless you happen to be walking in with a cup of Starbucks coffee or Fiji water, you will be required to dispose of all food items before entering the store. No one wants to listen to you crunch your food while making important purchase decisions, and I cringe every time I see someone drinking off-brand coffee.

5. Don’t be an ass.

As well-learned as most Apple users are, there’s always an idiot or two hanging around the Apple Store. These people often add to their idiocy by asking dumb questions at the Genius Bar one week, and acting like know-it-alls the next. Please do not tell someone whether they need a Mac Mini or an iMac when last week you couldn’t figure out how to right click with the Mighty Mouse.

While these aren’t official Apple Store rules, I highly recommend that Apple introduce them. Over the next few days, I will be contacting corporate headquarters to see if I can get some change instituted. The Apple Store isn’t just for anyone, and Apple needs to stop being polite about that fact.

This is Logan Harrison’s second column at PC Fastlane. A self-proclaimed elitist, he lives in Portland, Oregon, and can be contacted by emailing harrisonl(at)pcfastlane.com (replace (at) with @).